Agglomerated Press: Election

WASHINGTON - In a long-awaited turn of events, Democrat Hillary Clinton announced today that she would be withdrawing from the race for the party's 2008 presidential nomination.

"My campaign, however, is far from over," she continued. "In recent months, my support from you, the American people, has steadily grown." Clinton proceeded to explain that, while mathematically eliminated from receiving the votes necessary to obtain the 2008 nomination, she would continue her presidential campaign for the next election cycle. After acknowledging the record length of the just-completed primary season, Clinton explained that she anticipated that an even earlier start to the next election cycle would be beneficial to her campaign.

Obama aides derided her announcement as disrespectful to their own candidate. "Senator Clinton runs the risk of distracting American voters from this election, and further dividing the Democratic party." The aides proceeded to draw attention to the fact that, should Clinton indeed be beginning a 2012 run, she must be either anticipating an Obama loss this fall or planning on challenging an incumbent from her own party. "Either case," said one Obama aide, who did not wish to be named, "is despicable."

The Clinton team quickly countered by clarifying that Senator Clinton did not actually name the year 2012, but merely mentioned "the next election," and meant to refer to the next open democratic primary.


WASHINGTON - Senator Clinton, however, is not the only politician publicly eyeing the White House in future elections. The office of Senator Bill Politico (D-US) also announced that he was forming an exploratory committee for the 2020 presidential election. No further details were provided.


SACRAMENTO - An enhanced awareness of electability and political preparedness, however, appears to have permeated far beyond Washington. Phil and Janice Parentem, new parents of baby Louis, are already thinking ahead. "We went ahead and registered louisparentem.com," Phil announced, "and also set up a MySpace page for him--by extrapolation, the 13 friends that he has already should translate into nearly a million by the time he is ready to run. We're getting his name out there early."

The couple recently moved to a four-room bungalow, saying that they would be trying to save $10,000 each year for young Louis' Ivy League education. Mrs. Parentem explained, "Our hope is that, being brought up on a tight budget, he will relate well to the average American, yet possess the education--"

"It's the path we thought most prudent," Mr. Parentem clarified.